old unposted jumbles

Most days of late, I don't wonder much. I don't spend so much time thinking about other things. Or so it seems. Or maybe the few wonderings that I have had have been more personal than in years past. I think it is a bit of a cross between the two. I know that I have a lot of really personal important lessons to learn, and most of the time lately I have just wanted to avoid everything that might make me work harder.

The first of the semester terrified me with the shocking regularity and ease with which I slipped into the routine of school made me feel out of place, stagnant. And then somewhere along the way I realized, "Hey, I already know how to do this. How to just get by in this situation. Why don't I just enjoy it." But in the back of my mind I always remembered that's never how life is. You can't just sit still and have it be enough. But I was comfortable and so I sat (you know, metaphorically) and just refused to really wonder to prevent myself from coming across anything that I need to work on, all the while forgetting that the reason I always have to move forward is not just because someone is forcing me, but because that is what I need to be happy. And then once I remembered, the habit was gone. The habit of exploring ideas. And however much I wish it back, it won't just reappear. It needs time to regrow.